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How could they know? I had been nothing if not loyal, caring, giving, and kind. How could anyone know how self-loathing and lonely I was, when I did not even know it myself…yet. I can not understand this. Even now, these many decades later, when I can acknowledge the inner pain I carried since early childhood, I still have trouble understanding the rejection.
I sleep in Gary’s bed because he offers. I needed a place to crash. It is platonic. Besides, our friend Frank is my real crush. A totally beautiful man in appearance and temperament, Frank is very loving to everyone. He is also straight as an arrow. That he could be unnervingly close to guys, in the most unaffected and genuinely open way, causes me great joy and pain. We are all in the military, and I can never admit to my feelings out loud. Never.
“Hey. Do this with me.” Frank holds out two pills in his outstretched hand. He tells me he is lonely; and wants company on his trip. Oh, to be so honest and open! Though I have taken part in smoking some weed now and again with my friends group, I sink in despair at having to deny Frank his request. Weed is weed. Pills are drugs. He shrugs off my answer, and pops one into his mouth. I sit nearby as my friend takes a ride on whatever transport grabs him. He is mostly in his own head; and eventually just falls asleep.
Was that it? Did my reluctance to join in, and instead stand for what I believed in, stand in the way of deeper friendships? I am certain that he did not hold it against me, and I have good evidence for this. But he was in a small group of friends who took leave time together…and excluded me from their midst. Okay. I guess my being ‘lost’ was obvious to everyone, after all. No one wants to carry another every time they are together. So it becomes natural to exclude those who need help the most. ‘The rich get richer and the poor get poorer’…and I was very poor in the self-worth department. I must have silently screamed that reality to everyone. I thought they all liked me. That I did not like myself was just too much for them to elect to be constantly around. Now I see how ‘showing up’ with baked goods and treats was seen as trying too hard – desperate – possibly even annoying. I was accepted, so I thought. No. Tolerated was more like it.
“Come on. You know you want to. Just take one hit.” Okay, so it’s weed. But it’s in a bong – something I have no experience with. Will I get stupid?
“No, stupid. But I will get pissed at you if you don’t at least take a hit.” So I take a hit. Mike watches me intently as I draw deeply from the contraption, and fill my lungs with its vapor.
“Yeah. That’s it. Do it again!” I look at him wide eyed, for assurances. Bahçeşehir Escort He shakes his head up and down. Assurances are my weakness. Before I’m done, the entire bong is depleted. I feel nothing.
“That’s not possible!” Well, it’s true. As I say these words, my head kicks in with a barrage of sillies; and I burst out laughing. Mike smiles knowingly. He reaches out, takes the bong from my hands, and sets it aside. Then he does something I wish I had the courage to do with Frank. Mike leans in and kisses me.
In one of our various living arrangements, Mike and I had shared an apartment. He had a girlfriend. I had no one. After they broke up, he invited me on a trip to his hometown. That’s where we did the bong. I was in his bedroom of the house he grew up in. It’s back in the day, and ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ has just come out as an album. We have been listening to it. The weed heightens my senses; and just after the kiss, I start to sob – it is, I think, in reaction to the music and words of the record. No. It is really in reaction to my own inner feelings.
“What’s wrong? don’t you like it?” He looks worried. I tell him I like it just fine. It’s just that he has given me something that makes me feel good – and that floods me with sad memories at the same time.
“Then lean back and let me replace those memories with something more current.” I do as he says. Mike has been sitting on the edge of his bed, as have I. Now he hovers over me, his hands at my belt, loosening the strap from the buckle…struggling to pop the button of my jeans from its snug resting place within the button hole.
“Damn tight hole.” We both chuckle. His eyes sparkle. I know where this is going, and I have no intention of stopping any of it. I want the acceptance . Mike probably just needs to get off, but I want his acceptance, and I will not deny that. Let me.
“Great.” I unzip, and he pushes my hands away. I place them behind my head to give it a boost for better viewing. These days, everyone wears tightey whities. Mine are now visibly wet. I think he might pull me out and jerk me off. That will be just fine. But Mike has other ideas.
“Ever have a blow job?” I shake my head from side to side.
“Let’s correct that.” His fingers run just under the waistband of my undies, and the fabric yields to his strength, as they sink to my ankles. My cut sixer springs to life, and all reluctance, and any possible embarrassment leaves me.
“Nice and thick.” Those are his last words for a while. The touch of his fingers to the skin of my belly; and the first touch of his lips to my cockhead, give me a jolt that tingles its way up my spine. He knows Bahçeşehir Escort Bayan he has me where he wants me. Is Mike taking advantage of his naive and self-conscious friend? Sure. And I love it.
Oh, God. That’s me moaning – not the album lyrics. Mike has just deep-throated me and is sucking me into a whirlpool of head spinning ecstasy. I break out in laughter. Not wanting to annoy him, my mind jumps to possible rejection, and I start to cry.
“What?” He cares about me. I can see it in his face. I cry more. Kiss me, please. His lips touch mine in the most gentle way. His tongue pushes into my mouth and I open to him. As he pulls away, I fear the specter of rejection.
“It’s okay. I won’t leave you after this.” He knows.
I always admired Mike’s personality – uplifting and fun. How could a guy like me keep up? Right now, it does not seem to matter to Mike, so I will not let it matter to me. I wipe away the tears. Mike. I want to go down on you.
“Okay.” I have learned a lot from porn on how to please a man. This is my first chance to make it happen. We switch up positions; and Mike looks like he is in for a rough and botched fondling. He has no idea!
“Damn!” Surprise! I hope he can read my mind, because my tongue and my mouth are very busy doing their best to please him orally. I guess his head is as weed-high as mine is, because he alternates from moaning to giggling.
“Wait. Wait. I can’t hold it. Wait.” I stop sucking and watch him bite his lower lip. He sits up, pulls off his shirt, and tells me to do the same. We both have nice bodies. He is shorter and more muscular. I am in visual hog heaven at the sight of him. We kind of do a slow motion body check-out of each other while his erection subsides a bit. Then his mouth opens in the same slow motion, as these words come forth to my ears:
“Can I fuck you?” I shake my head up and down. Yes, Mike…with a condom and a lot of lube.
“I have hand cream. No condom.” I think quickly. The most I can get will be something a few pills will take care of. (This is the time before HIV comes on the scene) I say: Okay, no condom.
“You sure?” He scrambles to get the lotion not waiting for an answer. I say yes, anyway.
“Scoot up and put your legs on my shoulders.” Where are my inhibitions? Why am I so confident that I want to do this? Just because I’m stoned?
“You’re a virgin, right?” He knows I am. He does not know that ass play has been a favorite of mine for years. I am fully capable of taking his seven inch cock.
“I’ll stop if it hurts.” He wastes no time in slopping cream on my hole, and on his now fully rigid manhood. Without further talk, his Escort Bahçeşehir cockhead is pushing at my pucker. There is an eternity when both of us wonder if it will go inside of me. Then it pops inside, and we both let out a guttural moan of pleasure. Mike holds there, looking for permission to proceed. I nod my head.
“Damn this feels awesome…” He is gliding smoothly into me; with the determination of a young man in need of his orgasm. My own body is in a state of euphoria. He is filling me with himself, in a way that is physical, spiritual and psychologically amazing. I bring my hands up to caress his shoulders, his chest as it swells with air, his crotch hair as it bumps onto my ass with every inward thrust. I am flaccid. I have no desire for release. Not yet, anyway. I just need to feel him dancing inside of me. That is enough.
“Gonna cum. Where do you want it? Oh, fuck.” Do it inside me. His eyes widen in blissful disbelief. He nods. I see his body begin to tense. He is pounding me now. I let out a groan each time he plunges into me…deeper…faster…harder. My body bounces. His body glows with sweat, and I can see he is starting to flush on his skin. I suddenly feel my own guts bubble to life. Blood rushes into me, and other things are rushing inside of me, eager to get out.
“Okay. Okay. Oh, fuck. Fuck. FU-UUCK!!” My body tenses. I am gripping the sheets. I see myself and Mike coming in unison. He is fucking the living cum out of me! It splashes on my neck, chest, and belly. His head is lurching back. His cock pulsates inside me. The lion taking my virginity bucks wildly now. He roars his approval to the ceiling. With open mouth, and heaving chest, Mike empties into me; shakes and collapses onto my body. I hold him as he rides out the rest of his sweet agony.
I am suddenly very hungry. I am holding and soothing the heavy body of the man who has just fucked me into self-awareness. Mike may well fall asleep, and leave me to cramp up. Mike? You back?
“Mmm. Give me a minute.” Pinned like this, I can hardly say no. It strikes me as very funny. Oh, God. I can’t laugh now. Sure I can.
“Huh? You laughing at me?” God no, Mike. That’s my line, anyway. I explain the joke, and we both belly-laugh until it hurts. You as hungry as I am?
“For sure.” Good. Let’s clean up and get some chow. We have a lot to talk about.
“Like what?” Like how you just changed my life for the better; and how there is no going back, for either of us. Like how this need of mine is in sync with yours. Like how we are going to explore ourselves in this life together and not look back. Mike and I do just that. He and I are some of the first to be ‘out and proud’ at a time when most guys like us are hiding. My own mindset has healed – been reprogrammed with a new confidence and trust in myself. It must show. I ask Mike if we should explain ourselves to the rest of our friends. He ponders a minute, then responds:
“It’s okay…everyone knows.”
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