A Damn Piss Bomb!

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Funny

“Who could be calling,” I thought to myself as my cell phone rang early Saturday evening. “What? Lauren? I thought she was doing her high school ‘band mom’ thing even though her son graduated two years ago.”

“Hey, Lauren, what’s up?”

“Stan, I need your help,” Lauren pleaded with a sense of urgency and exasperation in her voice. Before I could ask what was needed, she blurted, “I got ‘bombed’ by stinking piss bomb! Yeah! I was on the band bus on the way to the football game when we pelted by what I thought was water balloons…until one damn balloon flew through the open window…to hit me right in the chest! When it burst all over me, I immediately knew it wasn’t water. Stan, some damn punk filled it with piss! Stan, I sopping wet and stink like piss!

“I’m sorry to bother you, Stan…but I stink of urine…and I can’t stand it. Can I take a shower at your place, please? You’re the only one I could think of. I’m at the high school…up the street from you. Can you please pick me up? I know it’s a big hassle…what? No problem…oh thank god. Yeah, I meet you by the stadium ticket booth. Ten minutes? Oh, thanks Stan. I knew I could depend on you. Oh, Stan, bring me something to sit on. I don’t want to ruin your car’s leather seats. Don’t worry? Okay, see you soon.”

As I drove to pick up Lauren, I realized that tonight was like the quirky nature of our relationship. We’d been friends and co-workers at in this small travel agency for years. She was married and a mother of one, and I was the confirmed bachelor. Since my life outside of work was pretty much non-existent, I listened to Lauren’s trials and tribulations with her husband, Larry, who was a zero-personality grump, and then about her son, Andy, who seemed to be a regular chip of the old block. Her two male family members really played on Lauren’s Asian nature of engrained deference and servitude to the male gender. They shamelessly ran her ragged while giving her little respect, appreciation, or love in return.

About the only man who did do right by Lauren was me. I found her Oriental culture and upbringing to be endearing and gradually over time I became the third male in her life. She constantly demonstrated her gratitude for my caring with little snacks, and I reciprocated over shared lunches with my zany banter that had Lauren falling off her seat with laughter.

Then Lauren began making thinly-veiled attempts to fix me up. We’d argue for hours as to what I wanted in a female companion versus what Lauren thought I should be looking for. She’d encouraged me to date this girl or that one, but in the end seemed to find some flaw that made the girl of my interest just not the “perfect” one for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some kind of gay, loser, or anti-social kind of guy. Lauren describes me as being okay looking (in a brotherly way); short (two inches than her five-eight height); chubby (think cuddly panda); and kinky (prefer to think of myself as open to possibilities). I love members of the opposite sex, and at the time was drawn to the young, cute, slim but busty (you know the type). Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any woman who could put up with me for the long haul…well…except for Lauren.

I had to admit that in the beginning that I wasn’t attracted to Lauren. I mean she was a nice-looking Japanese-American woman in her late-thirties with creamy skin that contrasted sharply with her shoulder-length black hair, twinkly almond-shaped eyes with high cheek bones, a cute button nose, and a warm mouth. However, she had what some might call a spoon-shaped figure that was small on the top with a slender waist and broader in the bottom. All and all, my impression of Lauren was that she had that next-door-neighbor girl kind of look – pleasant to look at but nothing that would blow your socks off.

That is until the day when Lauren leaned over this large table map of Japan to show me possible points of interest for this group tour that we were planning. By this point, we had become so comfortable with each other that Lauren wasn’t even aware that her loose blouse and bra had fallen forward. There cradled in the gauzy lining of her opened bra cups were her small snow-white breasts from which incredibly meaty cylindrical nipples jutted to give her boobs this enticing pointed look. This breathtaking vision was indelibly seared into my memory and vividly recalled that night when for the first time I beat my meat thinking of Lauren as more than just a friend.

As my voyeuristic interest in Lauren grew, I subtly suggested clothing that gave her a more appealing look while enhancing my viewing pleasure of her bodily delights. I complimented her on how attractive she looked whenever she wore tops or dresses with revealing necklines, but failed to say how such apparel easily revealed Lauren’s mouthwatering nipples though out the work day. Shortened hemlines that were praised as giving her an air of youthfulness, enabled me to covertly enjoy her long nice looking legs and the occasional sikiş izle panty flash. And although I didn’t think of myself as an ass-man, I had to admit that my eyes were drawn to the swishing of Lauren’s spongy buns whenever she sashayed by in her mini-skirts.

With such stimulating sightings at work, it was a wonder I didn’t reduce my dick to a stub given how often I jerked off at home.

“God, thanks Stan,” Lauren said as she slipped into my car, snapping me out of my fantasies and bring me back to the present in a flash. “Sorry, but I smell like a urinal…shit, if I ever catch that fricking kid, I’ll wring his nuts! Jeez, and of all the times for Larry to be on one of his week-long junkets to the West Coast…not that he would have come to my rescue like you did. And if he did, it’d be only after a hell of an argument. What a shit-head of a husband! I’m beginning to wonder why the hell I stay married to him!”

“Calm down, Lauren, calm down. Once we get to my place, you can shower and I’ll wash your clothes. What time do you have to get back for the bus ride back? What? You told the band instructor not to wait for your and that you’d find a way back?”

“Oh, Stan, I’m so sorry. I forgot to ask you if you could take me back home. I was so upset at being covered in stinky piss – that I just couldn’t bear to have to sit in that urine-splatter seat on the return trip. Hey Stan…but that’s no excuse and I should have asked you first. If you don’t want to, I can catch a cab. What? It’s no problem? God, Stan, what would I do without you. No wonder I love you so much.”

Minutes later Lauren walked into my place for the first time. “What a neat place, Stan! It’s cozy, really relaxing, and extremely intimate for a bachelor’s pad,” she cooed, “It’s just like you. Hmmm, I’d better watch myself. I could get to like this place.”

“Well, thanks. The bathroom over there, Lauren, and you’ll find a clean towel in the shelf above the toilet. I’ll take your wet clothes but first let me find you something to wear.” With that said, I quickly dashed to my bed room closet to grab one of my long-sleeve, button-down work shirts for Lauren to wear.

Moments later Lauren call to me and sticking her head out from behind the partial open door, handed her wet clothing before I slipped her my shirt. What Lauren didn’t know was that in the bathroom mirrors behind her, I had a trouser-stirring glimpse of her naked back side. As I threw Lauren’s clothes in the washer, I was suddenly struck by the sudden awareness that the woman of my sexual fantasies was naked behind my bathroom door.

After what seemed like forever, Lauren emerged from the bathroom and I was blown away. With her ebony hair pinned up to expose the length of her neck and throat, she was stunning. With the sleeve casually rolled up, Lauren had left the top button to my roomy shirt undone for a deeper and more open neckline. The shirt tails made for an abbreviate mini-skirt that dovetailed just inches below her nether delights while the shirt sides rose to reveal a lot of upper thigh. For a modest Asian woman, Lauren sure was one hell of a sexy bitch.

“You know, Stan, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you planned this out. Shoots, a girl has to be extremely careful wearing this shirt. A wrong move and I could be flashing you my privates.” To this I said that if she objected to my choice in clothing, I wouldn’t mind her shedding it and prancing around my place in the nude.

“I knew it,” Lauren grinned as she took a glass a pinot grigio from me. “You really are depraved, Stan, and I’m barely clothed and trapped in a pervert’s den of iniquity. Hmmm…this could be an interesting night.”

Partaking of my bachelor’s fare of potato chips, dip, and cold white wine, we lounged on my sofa just kicking back and chilling as we waited for her clothes to wash. Maybe it was the new environment or maybe it was being almost nude in my presence but Lauren who was a one-glass-a-night kind of person, drank quite liberally. She became so loose that she wasn’t aware just how much of her body was being revealing, but hey, whom am I to complain as I kept topping off her glass. By the time, I got up to put her clothes in the dryer, we had polished off the bottle and Lauren was coming back from the refrigerator with its replacement.

I was about to return when Lauren called out to bring one of her shoes. When I did so, I discovered that she had removed the foil from the wine bottle and turned it bottom-side up, wedging it between her thighs. “I saw this neat way of opening a wine bottle on YouTube and having been dying to try it,” Lauren giggled tipsily. Then without further delay, she grabbed her shoe and began whacking the bottle bottom with her shoe.

I was simply stupefied. There before me was Lauren hunching over and consumed in her endeavors which caused her roomy shirt to open and give me a mind-blowing view of her naked body. From her small pointed tits to the slight folds of her soft stomach, brazzers to her black muff tucked between the delta of her inner thighs, I could see everything. But what really caught my attention were her tits that shook obscenely like cones of Jell-O with each strike of her shoe. Engorged from her exertions, her fat strawberry nipples stood out and jiggled temptingly before my startled eyes.

“God, I love your fucking nipples!”

It wasn’t until it resounded in my ears that I realized that I had just uttered what I had been thinking and had wanted to shout out oh so many times before.

Lauren immediately sat up and clutching her open neckline, froze. “Stan! Oooh… shit…I’m…so embarrassed,” she stammered pleaded as she realized just how much of her I had seen. “Please don’t…you shouldn’t…you mustn’t…”

Given the situation, I couldn’t help but chuckle at what she had just said. Figuring that since I had blurted this much, I might as well go all-in and said, “Lauren, I’ve been looking at your tits for years…and love them.” Then with wine-loosen lips, I proceed to tell her when and how I had enjoyed her boob sightings, even describing the small beauty spot on her lower-inside of her right areola.

“And Lauren, if you think that I’m perverted for admiring at your physical delights, I confess that I am. But, in my defense let me just say that if you show, I will look.” And with that said I pointed to her displayed crotch that was revealed when the shirt tail split apart due to the wine bottle between her inner thighs.

Lauren gasped as she followed my riveted eyes and instantly became aware of just how much of her I was seeing. Yet, her alcoholic state of mind made it difficult to figure out how to remove the bottle without showing more of her pussy. Finally, it dawned on her drop her shoe, then use her freed hand to block my view as she parted her thighs to let the bottle of wine drop to the floor. Lauren hung her head as she turned from me. A soft sob escaped her lips as she absorbed what she had heard and just how much of her body I had seen.

The sound of her whimpering had an instant sobering effect on me as it dawned on me as to what I had just shared. “Hey, Lauren, come on. Don’t cry. It’s not that you deliberately flaunted yourself. Look – in the beginning you were just a co-worker who became my good friend. I became attracted to you because you took good care of me and let me do the same to you. Seeing your tits, let me see another part of you…no pun intended. I saw just what a beautiful and sexy woman you are.

“Lauren, you haven’t been able to fix me up because I had found the woman of my dreams…and she is you. Unfortunately, you are ‘happily’ married…so I had to be content with my sneak-peeks and kinky peeping-tom fantasies.”

“Stan,” Lauren murmured after a long pause, “I’m crying because I’m so surprised…ashamed…shocked…for so wantonly displaying myself. I never knew. But, now that I know that you have…you know, I’m not terribly upset. In fact, if anything, I’m relieved that you weren’t grossed out.”

Facing me, Lauren toyed thoughtfully with the top button of her shirt before continuing, “Stan – I have a confession to make too. I just realized why I could never fix you up and kept finding faults in the women you were interested in. It was because I couldn’t risk another woman taking you from me. What would I do without you, Stan?”

With that said, Lauren slow undid one button before continuing. “You are and have been for a long time the only bright spot in my life…and I must admit that you are the only one who loves me.”

Continuing to unbutton her shirt, Lauren murmured as she looked at me with hopeful eye, “It somehow seems right…that you of all people…would be the one to see my privates. It seems all so natural…” With the undone loose work shirt draped teasingly over her naked figure, Lauren leaned forward to kiss me gently on the lips.

“Stan… just so you know…I’m ‘not’ a happily married woman. There…I said it! I haven’t been in years. I don’t love Larry anymore…and although I didn’t want to admit it…it was because I loved you, Stan.” With that Lauren kissed me lightly before pressing my face to one of her breasts.

I was in hog’s heaven as Lauren forced a meaty nipple into my open mouth. Immediately latching on, I tongue-lashed her cylindrical tip until it grew long, hard, and thick in my mouth. I then vacuumed her soft yielding flesh until it seemed like I had inhaled her entire tit. Her back arched sharply as I slowly pulled back, letting her tenderness slip from my grasping lips. Lauren shuddered and whimpered as I massaged and squeezed her soft pliant flesh of her other breast, rolling its fat nipple between my thumb and forefinger to tug it from her heaving chest.

“Oh, my god,” Lauren exclaimed, “my breasts haven’t had this much attention in years. They were a bit bigger and a lot firmer, you know” she panted as I massaged fake taxi porno both, my tongue tip flicking teasingly on her jutting nipples. “But Larry made me nurse Andy and express milk for almost a year and a half. He said it would be good for our son, but I think he enjoy draining my swollen boobs just as much as Andy.

Sorry, Stan, but by the time those two got through with me, my once firm and full tits were smaller, softer, and with humungous nipples. Now Larry just ignores them entirely, saying that they’re saggy and ugly.

“Oooh, I love what you’re doing to me. Stan. See how damn wet I am.” With that Lauren pushed my free hand between her legs to her sopping wet pussy. Needless to say, within moments I was munching on one of the juiciest twats I had ever had the pleasure of eating. Grasping her silky muff, I pulled her ebony pubic hair back to lick then suck first one then the other of Lauren’s engorged pussy lips. Then easing back her fleshy clitoral hood, I let my rasping tongue polish her stiff pulsating love nub.

With her hips wildly gyrating, Lauren whined pitifully before I shoved a finger into her sizzling twat to find and rub her ridged G-spot. That was like pressing a detonation button for Lauren erupted in a gut-wrenching orgasm that had her convulsing mindlessly. She gushed with so much liquid excitement that she thoroughly drenched my face, her snatch, and the sofa.

Pulling her butt to the edge of the sofa and spreading her legs wide, I pushed down my hastily undone pants and underwear to release my raging erection. Slowly letting my trouser-snake slither between the valley of her inner thighs, I kissed my way up her writhing form. After plowing the length of her slippery love slit, my flanged penis head before wedging itself between the fragile petals of Lauren’s vaginal entrance. However, before I could fulfill the fantasies of so many nights, Lauren cried out, “Stop Stan! Oh, please stop!”

Pushing me away, Lauren slid off the sofa to join me on the floor. She kissed me passionately and urgently to allay my confusion and calm my frustration. “Stan…ooh… I want you so bad. I want to feel your hard-on sink into me so bad. But, Stan, I’m not playing games. It’s just that…I’m not on any form of birth control.”

Then after a lingering kiss, Lauren continued, “Larry and I…well…we have had sex in a long time. Andy was so taxing and draining on me as an infant that I told myself that I never wanted to have another kid. Surprisingly, Larry didn’t want to father another kid and said that the burden that it brought was too much …as if he did all the work. Then when Larry rejected me when my tits dried up and due to my body changes, I was veryy hurt. I knew then that I didn’t want to be intimate with Larry and began to question my love for him.”

Lauren paused as if figuring out what to say next. “Strange as it sounds, I was so upset at Larry that I refused to use any form of contraceptive in which I was solely responsible for pregnancy prevention. Because Larry is allergic to latex of condoms and we both didn’t want another kid, vaginal sex is pretty much ruled out. I know it’s weird, but for the most part this arrangement has worked.”

When I asked if Larry was satisfied with a no-sex marriage, Lauren shared, “Larry at the time was consumed with his business, and with a growing and difficult Andy in the house, spent as much time away from home (and me as possible). When he was at home… well…much of the time he was too tired to chase me around the house (thank goodness) when we were first married. Larry was simply content to get his rocks off…no matter how.”

I discretely inquired about how she relieved her husband, and Lauren sheepishly replied, “I said no sex, I meant no ‘vaginal’ sex which to me is the sign of intimacy and between a man and woman. Larry can be as childish and demanding as Andy when he needs some relief. So, I got very good at spinning sexual fantasies…some I’ll bet were more pornographic than those in your corrupt mind. Thank god Larry has a hair-trigger dick, and most of the time I can get him to shoot his load while jerking him off or giving him some head…you wouldn’t believe how good I am at both.”

Of course, Lauren’s amazing marital sex revelations had a cock-stirring effect on me and soon my hard-on was pointing straight up-and-out and ticking like a fleshy Geiger counter. “Oh my,” Lauren said as she noticed my plight, “maybe I can help you…” And with that, Lauren grasped my throbbing cock and proceeded to give me one hell of an incredible blow-job, making me a true believer of her story as she deep-throated me with ease.

“Uhmm, uhmm,” Lauren mumbled before releasing me from her sucking lips, “you sure do taste good…and fill my mouth just right. I wouldn’t mind sucking you off and swallow every last drop of gooey cum you could shoot down my gulping throat. However…”

Then as her lightly grasping fist idly slipped up and down my shaft, Lauren asked softly, “Stan, when you jerk-off thinking about me, do you use lubricant?” I was shocked at the out-of-the-blue question but managed to stammer that I did. “Uhmm, good,” she said after mouthing my helmeted cock, “can you bring me your tube of lubricant?”

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