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Sheena and Jenna had been broken up for four months. Besides some desperate phone calls on Jenna’s part, they really hadn’t spoken like normal people since Sheena revealed she had fallen for an older man named Holden. He had turned 25 on his birthday, naturally, which was a month before this time, on August 28th.
Jenna and Sheena both had been 18 for like 9 months, their birthdays a week apart to the dot. Jenna remembered her birthday so fondly… it was torturous. She spent months in a stupor of depression reveling that particular time she had with Sheena among others, like when they first met through Claudia, or their first kiss and make out session on campus, walking through the courtyard holding hands, going shopping with Jenna’s parents. It was a lovely affair, now bitter, bittersweet in her mind. The very mention of Sheena in her thoughts made a glaze of tears form around her eyes.
She was with Holden now. But in Jenna’s perception it didn’t seem too… permanent, was that the right word? Jenna settled. It must’ve been. To go into a tangent, Jenna was convinced Sheena was truly and utterly gay. She was with Holden but she couldn’t be happy. No way. She was confused. A run away, nothing more than a teenager hiding from herself. After all the moments they shared, how could she just move on to such a person as Holden?
Who was, speaking of which, seen in the eyes of many his classmates, as maybe a “son of a bitch.” He liked to go to class and hang back like he owned the place, asking the most difficult questions. He was also 25 and still a senior, having taken such little credits during his years at the university. Also starting late. He had changed majors a number of times. Though unknown, an iffy decision making process it displayed.
Red flags on the outside, Sheena found him liberating. He didn’t mind her going out to study alone, attend art functions without him, and was very near super joyful to see her all the time. She didn’t have to come home to the latest shit day like Jenna. Baggage. Holden was indifferent to his. He didn’t have a good relationship with either of his parents but seldom spoke of himself. He was facing a charge for driving under the influence of marijuana and possessing an eighth of White Widow with intent to sell. But he was private about that too.
He shared details with Sheena because he felt safe. They had known each other her entire freshman year, and there little bit of sophomore experience she had had before they decided to date. They literally met her second day of college, on the train tracks when she went out to smoke a Pall Mall Menthol Long White: her cigarette of choice next to Nat Sherman’s, which she quickly reasoned were too expensive. The habit had since dissolved. She turned to vaping instead over the course of a year, but still preferred menthol juice. Holden and Jenna thought the same romantic thoughts: she tasted like ice.
On the tracks they smoked, and being a social as Holden was, came up to her and initiated conversation. Then and there they saw one another, and he always had the time. Even if it meant being late for his scattered, few classes.
Sheena lived in the all-girls dorm, but hadn’t really stayed-stayed there since sleeping with Jenna and Holden. They sort of overlapped a bit… and she had to hide this from Jenna and to her knowledge Jenna never found out. Holden knew the entire time but didn’t give a shit, in the frankest way possible beyond the phrase. He wouldn’t speak of Jenna, but when the time came over a Thai dinner that Sheena wanted to be with him and he told her he wanted to be with her too, it was clear that the break up had finally happened and that was that.
Sheena also broke up with Jenna over dinner. But it was a Mexican place. The mariachi music in the was a jokerish sound in the background over Jenna’s crying and sobbing and her pursuit of an embarrassed Sheena out of the restaurant, trying to suit her to still be with her in the effect of drama. But Sheena was not attracted.
Holden was remote from drama. They hadn’t fought once in the months they’d been together, even if Sheena was still 18 compared to his 25 and still quite rebellious. Part of his personality that countered this was his passivity. He didn’t want to possess her. Nor did he seem very out of control mentally. Jenna had a list of mental problems in her own words, but behavioral problems were the result, or so she did blame (a lot of the time). Sheena suggested on their first date that she get a therapist. It would probably help balance her alongside medicine which granted she was giving a shot at helping.
Who knows if it really did or not. Jenna was out of the realm of a chance with Sheena, but could not accept it.
Jenna, believe it or not, was mad about Sheena romantically, but socially she had enough friends to help support her and carry on. It struck Sheena as very odd. You would think that Jenna of all people would be a loner. With her artistic tendencies, her imbalance, her bahis siteleri awestruck with Sheena. But no, she had a great network, support system, you name it.
There were three girls that were Jenna’s closest friends. One was nineteen, but the rest were of the same age as the two ex-lovers.
She had known this trio of BFFs since elementary or middle school. They were practically her minions, you could say. Often they could be perceived as a clique. Maybe they were in fact, because if not, what else would you call this gang of art majors? They were all the same identical age, as of the end of November. (Sheena was a lit major, and suffered to find the correct terms for everything.)
Sheena, guiltily, thought all three of them were, well, hot as shit.
There was Victoria. The oldest. An Aquarius. Her hair waterfalling down in black garlands before Jenna and Sheena’s breakup. Since then, around campus, Sheena had seen she unraveled the braids and started straightening her hair. It was a colt’s mane. Voluminous. She blew glass and glued gems to six of her nails. The rest were short. Sheena would study her complexion in envy, shamelessly excited when she spotted a single, tiny, almost microscopic bump on her forehead once. She wore no makeup, and liked to have on several necklaces at once. Sheena could still see the emo in her from a time when she had no idea she existed. She was of such a lithe grace that Sheena was skeptical and concerned if she ate at all.
Katie loved food in comparison. She always had snacks she’d eat when nervous in social situations. Mostly sunflower seeds. But she was a whole snack herself too. She had this fluffy heart shaped ass that Sheena would look at going upstairs on the escalator in the mall with Jenna, or if behind her in line at the campus buffet. Actually more like anytime anywhere. She had the face of a scream queen. Killable but at once fuckable. She would be the one who lived. Actress also fit her quite well. She was one. Participated in the school plays. She looked as if the characters’ names fit her better than her own christened name.
Sheena was told that Hannah used to be a real bitch to her and these two friends, but come a group project one science class, they all knitted together into this clique-y sweater. Hannah, Katie, and Victoria were like Jenna’s acolytes, as was mentioned, and the others that followed them around were like strays they had picked up.
Hannah was as tall as Sheena, five-six. But her hair was even longer than Victoria’s, and it was blonde with these ashy lowlights. The rest looked colored by lemon juice.
Victoria was skinny in a swimmer way. But Hannah was skinny in a way that made long sleeves look fantastic. Long-limbed, and her face had prominent bone structure. Her family was Swedish, and her grandparents on her mother’s side had actually traveled from the country. Her lips either always had lipstick on them or they were filled with blood. Freckles peppered her high cheekbones. Sheena was short on words around her. Hannah seemed intelligent or at least more so than her and the impression was intimidating.
Jenna, just to be described in respects to her friends, was bigger than Katie. Also the tannest. She dyed her hair this deep red violet that turned her roots lighter than the rest of her hair. Her locks flowed down to her shoulders in an ombré. She had gotten a nose piercing right before her and Sheena got together. Half of the time it was a stud and other times it was a ring. Sheena liked the ring more.
Her belly was pierced too. She wanted her nipples done but couldn’t seem to do it for how anxiously excited she was about the idea. Her ears had one big gauge hole each and four total smaller ones uneven between both lobes. Her bobcut always covered all of these. She would tell Sheena she wanted to grow it out and get rid of the bangs, but she would cut it every month the same way. It didn’t feel like Jenna lied, but it strongly hinted that she didn’t know what she wanted. And Sheena felt that way about herself in Jenna’s eyes to a large degree.
See, Sheena was hesitant about being with Jenna. Like on a girlfriend-girlfriend level. But the thing was… lesbian sex was fine and never ceased to turn her on. There was even a slight preference generally for women when it came to being in bed. By about maybe 5%. She wouldn’t tell Holden this of course, who was, for clarity, an experienced, great lover. But something about the commitment to not just Jenna, but any girl in particular, was… not what Sheena could imagine being a forever and ever thing. There was a word associated with it, but she couldn’t really identify what it was.
So furtherhow, it was a breezy not-cold day in September. Mississippi didn’t really reach jacket weather until early November, and coat weather until the end of December. Sheena, on what seemed like a lazy day such as this, tended to waist-train with sweatpants and wear her university sweater. Grey on purple was the only note she canlı bahis siteleri could make on this outfit looking in the mirror, tying her hair stylishly into a messy bun. She didn’t even wear a bra under it this day, which still made her like a quarter self conscious, but Holden always focused on her body. He didn’t make comments on her clothes even if she wore something wild. This was in spite of the fact he dressed to impress. Perpetual style. Button ups and pants, downing his thicker thighs, suspenders over his shoulders, a hat more often on his head than not.
Sheena’s own therapist had advised her to think of her ex’s manners in foresight. If she was acting a little crazy over the whole thing, the best plan of action was to predict Jenna’s next move. Sheena agreed. And was wrong.
Sheena game-planned in her head all the moves she was gonna do if Jenna called again. She had already discovered a handwritten letter under her loft in the dorms one off day she went there to acquire clothes to sleep over a week at Holden’s. There was a prior phone call that must’ve been after the letter was delivered. Jenna asked if Sheena had read it, and when Sheena admitted this was all news to her, her ex stormed off the phone with a loud sigh, what sounded like a muffled scream, and hung up.
All had seemed quiet until a text that coming Friday. This was after Jenna’s note ended up in Sheena’s hand, then desk drawer, unread.
The therapist also said further action would have to be taken if this harassment continued. Or even if it didn’t, as a precaution. She listened absently to this. Restraining orders and telling authority at school of the situation didn’t appeal to her. There was a part of her that, deep down in the sea of her feelings, didn’t want to hurt Jenna’s. This same part would secretly relish the attention.
Sadomasochist was a word that came to mind. But piecing it together into a concrete thought was hard. In fact, when describing it to Holden, it escaped in a rant that didn’t make sense to her. Holden, realizing she was still just 18, and not as in tune as she would like to be with the common sense of emotions, just soothed her with his listening, relaxing her by agreeing when prompted, and basically made her feel less alone while she sorted out herself. This meant until after the logorrhea came to a contradictory end. She needed to understand herself on her own time, basically, and even Sheena could make that clear to herself by the clarifying light of the next morning.
So, there was that. She hadn’t blocked Jenna and responded when she reached out, so forth. Never enabled, but maybe this behavior was in itself enabling. Hence the confusion within herself. Actions needed to cease, she realized, when that cold touch of realization hit her, all at once, when she got a text.
“Are you gonna be at your apartment at nine tonight?”
Sheena wanted to say, “No,” since she was compelled to say anything at all. But what came out was: “Yes, why?”
“We need to see something.”
“My friends. Just open the door when they knock.”
And Sheena, spiked by adrenaline, replied, “Ok.”
It was swift. The whole thing was swift. Sheena called it dismissal. Maybe they thought she had something of Jenna’s she could be holding into. But this would keep her alive all day.
She transcended into the Sociology building in a haze of energy.
She sat there not speaking. The cold in the building at odds with the temperature of her skin. Not hot, but tense and warm. Like she was in a tanning bed. Anticipatory rose colored her face almost entirely, including her chest, be it that she also blushed there as well. Just the way her body worked.
She sat through Sociology as they spoke of the beginnings of gender roles, a fascinating subject to Sheena, but sadly couldn’t pay attention to. It was over before the lesson really sunk in, and her notes were subliminally charged with question marks. She was only half sure of everything the professor had been teaching.
Next week he told them in advance they would talk about sexuality, and how it has changed and become more specific in the recent years. Yes it would be on the test.
She left and went to the cafe on campus. The walk there took some stamina, as her blood pressure seemed high. She wasn’t sure if everyone was looking at her red faced glare but it was uncomfortable nonetheless.
She went through the double doors, the line, obtained food and sat down as if programmed. She registered what they had to eat today: hot dogs, corn, and mac and cheese, but wasn’t convinced she would be able to eat it all. She couldn’t really stop disassociating or believe she was in fact human until one of her and Jenna’s now mutual friends sat down next to her with a plate of salad.
“I heard that you said yes,” Trinity said.
“I did? To what?” But this, Sheena was utterly positive what Trinity was talking about. Almost even before the last word came out.
“Jenna’s top canlı bahis threes stopping by… to you know.” Poor Trinity and her self consciousness in public. She couldn’t even say what she meant outside of closed doors.
“Wait. So what?”
“I can’t say…” Trinity said.
“What did I agree to?”
Trinity sighed. “She wants to prove you’re gay.”
There was a pause. “I am… kind of… gay?”
“No, Jenna thinks you’re like full on lesbian.”
“Oh!” And this is what Sheena thought Trinity was going into. Little did she know, there was a part Trinity left out.
“Well whatever happens, I’m not getting back with her,” Sheena said with clarity.
“Alright…” And Trinity picked up her fork.
They parted ways at the campus HQ exit doors. “Good luck,” Trinity told her.
“Thanks, Trinity,” Sheena told her in monotone, and headed towards her next class.
She was an hour early. Didn’t matter. Marie was in this class, yet another lost soul that Jenna had adopted and Sheena liked. Shouldn’t be too bad. Hopefully another conversation the break up would ensue.
Sheena tried to decipher her notes from Sociology.
Marie came in not fifty minutes into the hour long wait.
“Hey!” she said, full of energy. She burst into Sheena’s space with excitement. “You ready for tonight? Trinity told me. You’re really going to do it? You’re gonna cheat on Holden?”
“What, no? Look, I’m bi. I’m not getting back with Jenna.”
“Sheena,” Marie said, a hand on her arm. “Look. I believe it. You’re no hasbian. Jenna said you loved her like better than anyone she’s ever known. You gave her like so much attention.”
The thing was, in a sense, Marie was right. How it was, in bed at least, Sheena would in fact focus all of her attention on not just Jenna but every woman she had been with. It’s not that they weren’t willing to fuck her back. All of them were. Wanted to. But Sheena refused. She wanted to please. She wanted to fuck the women a lot more than she wanted them to fuck her. Completely one-sided fucking was all Sheena wanted to happen. This struck her as odd in Sheena’s mind. Again, it made the word fall short of it.
“I can see how she would think that,” Sheena admitted.
Marie giggled. “I wish I was the one coming over to your house.”
Sheena didn’t know what Marie meant by that. There was a pause, and before Sheena could ask, Marie butted back in with, “Heard you are an amazing lover. Like your head game is strong and you’re like… willing to do all kinds of things…” Marie’s hand on Sheena’s arm softened and she stroked her skin there.
Sheena smelled something. Nervously, there was something in the air she wasn’t getting. There was something else. She was for sure. Marie’s segue into this conversation seemed relevant to her next statement. Was it that?…
“I’m with–” Sheena reluctantly pulled away from Marie. Marie hung on, catching her hesitance, giggling.
She let go. But her eyes still latched into Sheena. Sheena liked the attention, and couldn’t lie about that. Her need to know what exactly was going on claimed her, but then the professor walked in.
“Hey, ladies!” Ms. Erickson’s voice echoed around the otherwise empty chamber. A nerd followed her suit, and sat down right in front of the two of them.
He was too close for comfort, and Sheena had to retire her intense curiosity. Marie stared at the front of the class, trying very hard to maintain focus through her ADHD. She couldn’t be bothered if Sheena had any respect. Class begun, and Sheena sat distracted herself throughout the entire English lesson. She hadn’t even read the book she was supposed to the last week. The lesson was foreign and her notes scrambled again.
She had to talk to Marie after class. Then Darla Crocket eyeballed Marie. Darla claimed to be straight, but confessed a few weeks ago to Marie herself that her sexuality had transformed into a bi-curiousness. Sheena always liked that chase herself…
(God, what was the word?) Sheena wondered throughout these thoughts.
Marie smiled and her face followed Darla all the way to the chair to her right. Directly next to the two of them. They would leave Sheena and her confusion in the dust, starting conversation no sooner than when Erickson admitted them to dismiss.
This was getting awful. Or strange. The wonder was awful, and the situation was a lot more particular than Sheena expected. If clarity was her goal, the best thing she could do for herself on this matter would be to ask Jenna herself, but she wasn’t going to do that. Sometimes she made decisions that were the product of mental conflict. Oh, this was one of them.
But there was Ella. Ella was down to earth, and knew everything. She was bisexual too, with a preference for the attention of men, but she had taken Chastity’s virginity (another girl on the sidelines of the clique), and banged Trinity and some other woman that Sheena forgot the name of. Started with a V.
Ella smoked after lunch, and by now it was nearing two o’clock. Sheena could remember Ella being present after the literature class she just attended, but there was no way to correctly calculate this.
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